Let me start by saying I am a worrier. A more accurate description would be a ruminator.
1. To chew the cud, as a ruminant
2. To meditate or muse, ponder
3. To chew again or over and over”
By stumbling on this blog, I am guessing that many of you can relate. I was born a people pleaser. I have always been the “nice” girl. My junior high used to publish an alphabet for each class. For example A: Athletic Crystal. B: Brainy Brian. I was often the N: Nice Tara. Later in life I could probably still encompass that letter as N: Neurotic Tara, but I digress. My main concern in life was having people like me and by “people” I mean everyone.
Growing up in the 80s there was a moment in time where every girl was collecting charm necklaces. You bought the cheap plastic necklace and then attached as many charms as your heart desired. One early memory of mine was a trip to a department store with my mom. I was wearing my brand new abacus charm. Man I loved that thing. I’m not sure why I was just wearing one. I had a boatload of them at home. Maybe I left the rest at home as a way to highlight my new favorite. A clerk at the store looked at the charm and then at me. She then accused me of stealing it. My mother was nearby heard what was going on and rushed over. She proceeded to rip into the lady. She told her that she bought it for me and how dare she accuse me of stealing it. What I remember most from this episode was a deep sadness that this lady thought I stole it. This episode tormented me. What should have been a small event stayed with me for a long time. The fact that I’m blogging about it some 30 years later is very telling. This should have been a lesson about a mother’s love for her daughter. A mama bear protecting her cub. That is not what resonated with me. I just couldn’t handle someone not liking me. And this lady definitely didn’t like me. As a side note she really really didn’t like my mother.
This often lead to preoccupying thoughts. Always wondering did I do the right thing, say the right words, walk the right way, wear the right socks, etc, etc, etc. You get the picture. Obsessing over minor details or ruminating for hours maybe even days at a time. Trying to please the whole world All the Time. More often than not putting my own needs/wants on hold in fear of disappointing others. This was mentally exhausting. After much consideration I am able to look back at my early years and see it for what it was – anxiety. Although I am not fond of labeling things, it is reassuring to have a name for how I felt for so long. More importantly, that others were feeling this way too.
This is a blog about my experience with antidepressants and the slow process of breaking free of them. As I began the process of tapering, I searched the internet for guidance or stories from others who were able to discontinue them. What I found was horror stories. Many people having severe symptoms years after taking their last dose. I will document where I am at in the process of tapering and how I am feeling. Hopefully, I will be able to give others hope.
After writing this blog I had an epiphany. I had already registered my domain name to start my blog. I realized that my “expedition” should be a way of putting my own needs first for a change. N: Nice. Not so bad as far as adjectives are concerned. I think a better word is kind. I also think I will be directing my kindness towards myself for a change.
Disclaimer: This site is not intended to give any medical advice. I am only writing to share my personal struggle with antidepressants. Do not discontinue any medication without advice from your doctor.
Do not start any new medications without serious considerations of the side effects even with the advice of a doctor.