Every morning my day starts the same.  I wake up, start a pot of coffee then head to the medicine cupboard to take my pills and vitamins. My cat greets me every morning with a friendly meow. She stares up at me and talks until I get a treat out of the cupboard for her.  Today was day three that Effexor wasn’t lined up in the mix. Today was also day 32 of Lexapro. My plan, doctor advised this time, is to stay on the Lexapro 10 mg for two weeks. I will then cut the dose in half for another two weeks and then, fingers crossed, be free of them forever. 

My husband was out of  town last week. I have been feeling extremely tired. I have been ready for bed around the time the sun has been setting. Being a single parent for the week I have forced myself to stay awake until at least 8 pm. At this time I would retire upstairs to my bed where I would let my son watch a cartoon and I would fall asleep for the night.  

As I mentioned, today marks day three of being off of the Effexor.  I would like to celebrate this milestone but can’t seem to summon any energy to do so. I wouldn’t need a full on party with balloons and cake but it would be nice to feel something.  I started the Lexapro with an open mind. I was using it as a stepping stone, a way for my brain to ease off the Effexor. I should have anticipated the arrival of a change in demeanor. The apathy I have felt has hit me like a bag of wet sand.  Yesterday was a particularly bad day. The words from a family favorite, The Butter Battle Book by Dr. Seuss, kept looping through my mind.  “I was downright despondent, disturbed and depressed.”  I would also add agitated to the mix. I texted my sister that I was having a case of the F’ its. This is a term she coined to describe the emotion of not caring about anything. She quickly called and asked what she could do to help. I was dragging myself to a hot yoga class so I told her I would call her when I was done. I felt like a zombie, minus the whole human flesh eating part. I called her back and she asked what I wanted to do that day. I jokingly said I wanted to lock myself in my room and bang my head against the wall. She laughed and told me to send pictures. She’s compassionate that way.

My sister, thoughtfully, came and picked up my son for the day and treated him to a movie. It was a struggle to even go to Chipotle with my husband. I had hard time making the decision between a bowl and a salad. Does a salad mean more lettuce and a bowl more rice?  I had no idea and couldn’t wrap my head around this simple of a decision.  My husband had made plans with a friend to go to a shooting range.  I decided, very smartly, to stay home and relax. I was able to spend the afternoon alone. I finished the book  What I talk about when I talk about running by Haruki Murakami. This memoir has been mentioned  multiple times over the years in various books and podcasts that I have listened too. I  had even checked it out from the library at one time but had not had the chance to read it. Murakami, a successful Japanese novelist, chronicles his life as a long distance runner and writer. Reading and running have played a big part of my life and it felt at times as if this book was written just for me. Murakami, like myself,  also prefers to run alone. He talks about an unspoken sort of communion he feels with other runners he encounters on his daily runs. I have also felt this way at times especially on early morning runs before most of the world has awoken.  If I had to sum up this book in a few words it would be quiet and contemplative much like I imagine Murakami to be.  I am eagerly anticipating reading some of his novels in the future. 

Next I watched the movie Mother! I had listened to a podcast with the writer/director Darren Aronofsky back when the movie came out. At the time I was very intrigued by the concept of the movie and had been meaning to check it out. I had heard mixed reviews of the movie most of which were negative. “It was the worst movie I’ve ever seen” was my brother’s take. My sister-in-law also states she hated it but concedes that she couldn’t stop thinking of it after the film. She also states she has since read some reviews and wonders if it was a good movie after all.  I knew I would either love it or hate it. I should say that I have a very hard time sitting through a movie. Just as I don’t finish books that don’t captivate me, I find it hard to waste my time on a movie that doesn’t interest me. I fell asleep at the latest Star Wars installment. I should rephrase that. I let myself take a nap during the movie because I thought it was a better use of my time. Mother! On the other had was the closest movie that captured the feelings that can be evoked as often times happens while reading a good book without actually reading. I do think you have to be in a certain state of mind to enjoy it. Just know going into it that it is very graphic, raw and not for the faint of heart. Think of it as an emotional experience.  I think that is one aspect I love about art be it books, movies or music. Certain pieces can be just what is needed at a particular time in your life. I needed something so gut-wrenching and  thought-provoking to draw me out of my shell. I thought the movie was brilliant. 

Today I feel like a different person. I was able to be a mom and wife without feeling like I was just going through the motions.  I am confident I will be able to ride out the next few weeks. 

1 thought on “Apathy

  1. Hell yeah Tara.

    Awesome to read this, started off unsure how things were going to end in terms of your feelings, but glad you’re feeling a lot more human 🙂 and I smiled when you mentioned Mother! Because I remember our talk about the podcast of the director 🙂 you worded it so well, and I am in the very same boat – those kind of gut wrenching, peculiar, not your standard plot type of books/movies/anything are always far more appealing to me too. Congratulations, genuinely, on day 3 of no Effexor. No ounce of me doesn’t believe that you will continue on this positive path 🙂 love you!

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